Transition phase- seems like i’m in this transition phase for almost a year, is it even a phase? or thats basically the simplicity of adapting to growing up in life. When they say time heals you better, why can’t it heal me faster?

Found my new interest in film 35mm camera

12 am bake: Oreo Honey Cornflakes for giveaway as charity in this holy month. ❤️

current update in the pandemic: 9 am- 6pm work from home with constant meeting calls with the best collegue yet, been taking online courses (contract law & behavioral psychology), more cooking (left to right: cheese topokki, seafood aglio olio) and baking (burnt cheesecake, churros, choc chip, oreo cheesecake)

missing the uk streets, hot cocoa, hopping on buses, walking in the drizzle & simpler days xx

It took me everything to be where and who I am now. In the past 6 months of healing, I’ve learnt and encountered a lot of different stages, pain and memories were created from ‘time’. Time, such a relatively vague answer to certain abstract nature of feelings in the process of alleviating yourself from the ‘thoughts’. Thoughts, which could create insensibility aloof of self from the reality and this is when it could cause desolation to your progression. Crazy how the mind works and this is not the end of the thoughts, right?

Hi there, it’s April of 2020- currently surviving the pandemic by contributing my effort of ‘staying home’ to the humanity while of course with flooding thoughts resorted me to being here. It has been blissful to feel like life is finally slowing down for me ever since hectic months long of constant fast changing paced. Despite of it, at times i feel like i’m the one who put myself through this accumulated despondency & this crucial pandemic has been making my progress stagnant, undoubtedly.

I started working from home (internship) for NGO, Teach For Malaysia, which our main mission is to fight education inequity and just about a month in, i’ve been learning so much whilst helping the company and kids with education. It makes my sense of humility towards the underprivileged flourished and that was when i realised that by helping others actually makes me help myself in a way of self development.

It hits me how I do have this sense of awareness inside of me of what I want, need, feel and same goes with the don’ts. I am slowly learning to structure my thoughts and accepting the things that are beyond my control- be it from the past, presence or future. Gradually, I am self reflecting on the things and losses that i’ve been through that caused me pain. There are so many people that because of the pain of the withdrawals from the other person, just immediately jump right into another relationship. There is no suffering or reflection, so there is no growth. And that person redirects all their feelings for the past relationship into the new one. It’s really incredibly unhealthy. Yes, I was the person recently, the one who let my own pain stacked from unrequited hopes and redirected to where I am now.

To my surprise, the current path is much mentally healthier and i’ve never felt as if i’m one step ahead of how i was and the key to this is the combination of affirmation and gratification. This pair of feeling leads to the thing that I always craved for which is ‘validation’ due to my feeling of inadequacy. I have learnt to be content with myself in my own space in a shell that i’ve built through ‘loving myself’ averagely enough that it felt odd when a person came to break the shell as if to interfere my space. Yet, hardest pill to swallow is i’d still tend to seek ‘validation’ and companionship from persons but at the same time i know for sure I need to develop myself to a certain degree that it could trade to ‘self validation’ instead. Time plays pivotal role and I am learning to be independent and mentally stronger as patiently as possible. As jaded as I am, I, too, hope one day I could feel the love that i deserve again when i’m ready.

Fell in love with this cozy away from hustle and bustle kind of little town in the north of England. (peek of how happy i was with my fresh tulips that i bought from grocer)

Stayed for a week for Azlan’s birthday. Despite of how we ended our fling, I am blessed to meet these amazing people and i’ve never felt such belonged with them. From our daily smoke up session with damsiders, sharing bed with 3 boys while watching Love Island, cooking for them, shopping, brunch. Best believe I will be back to further my study here in fall. 

Based and travelled 3 weeks in London alone, accommodated by inwood boys- from waking up to their faces, cooking together, catching bus in the cold weather, deep talks- i’d appreciate every single moment. More UK trip post to come!